A Conflicted Girlfriend – Part 1 (My Sexual Desires)
editor's picks, foreplay, lockdown sex

It is difficult for any woman in Indian society to navigate and explore her sexual desires as she wants. Especially for a young woman like me who lives in Bangalore under the supervision of her strict father. My parents are divorced, and I grew up without any guidance. But that comes with an advantage. I’ve learned to compromise my moral values because I want to get what I desire. I have suppressed my desires my entire life, compromised on what my body wants and my thirst for newness. Yes. I crave new things. But at the same time, I want to be loved and cared for. This conflict in my head was controlled as my boyfriend Shankar was extremely lovable and caring. He means the world to me. I couldn’t ask for anyone better in my life. Shankar makes love to me gently. He whispers, “I love you, Veda,” in my ears when he runs through my brown and smooth neck. His voice made me feel comfortable. When he entered inside my vagina with his beautiful cock, I cried his name out. He caressed my slightly overfat stomach and my big breasts. I loved every bit of it. I was ready to accept and live a life of comfort and care under a man who respects and loves me. But is that what I really want? How long will the other Veda live a secret life inside me? It didn’t last long. The pandemic has pushed the other side of me out. I speak to myself and argue with my body. But I started losing my morality. It all started with a phone notification. See, I have a past, a past relationship experience that I cannot forget. Every time I get a notification from him, my heart beats faster. When I am with Shankar, and my WhatsApp shows his name, I take a deep breath and swallow my desire. John takes what he wants. He controls what he desires. And one of the things that John desired was me. A few years ago, Shankar was my friend and was in love with me. I didn’t reciprocate it at that time. During a house party, he introduced me to this man. John was dark, tall, and so strong that his mere hands made me wet and craving. Shankar introduced me to John, who came with someone else at that party. He knew John through a mutual friend. When John first looked at me, I could see the desire in him. He was checking out my dusky skin, constantly staring at my luscious lips. When he talked to me, I could feel the energy of his dick and the blood flowing towards that strong cock. I started shivering. Everyone wanted to take a group photo, and Shankar arranged a group of 15. John came and stood next to me. He held my waist with his strong hands. I gave out a gasp and a slight moan. I knew he noticed it as his face was so close to me. I could feel his breath on my neck. After the group picture, a few of us started leaving. Shankar was waiting for me as he wanted to drop me. I was searching for my bag. John came to me, held my neck, and whispered his address to me. He told me to come if I feel like it. He knew he had me. He saw the person inside me who was hungry and suppressing her inner desires. He saw the real Veda. Shankar was waiting for me in his car. The moment I got in his car, he confessed his love for me and kissed me. I kissed him back. Even though my mind and heart loved Shankar, my body wanted John. I told Shankar I will think about his proposal and want a day. I asked him to drop me somewhere. I knew the apartment John mentioned. Shankar drove me there. When he asked me whose apartment it was, I said it’s a friend of mine. To this date, I am afraid he’ll someday figure out that it’s John’s house. I went upstairs and rang his doorbell. He opened the door, and I saw him in his tight t-shirt, holding a cigarette. I walked inside, and he kept quiet. I was in a dilemma. I wanted to live my life with Shankar. But before that, I had to control my body by giving it what it craved. John offered me a cigarette, and I started smoking. I looked at him through the smoke. He was looking at my body, and I was sweating because his eyes were making me wet. I wanted his body to touch a part of me. We spoke through our eyes. I saw a glass of alcohol on his table. I took it and drank it while smoking. He held the back of my hair through my neck and started eating my lips. His lips were biting mine instead of kissing. His hands went straight into my jeans. He inserted his hand into my panty and started rubbing me. He squeezed my big brown nipples on my breasts. He stopped for a second and asked, “I know everything about Shankar. He’s going to make you happy. Are you sure you want this now?”  I was breathing heavily and moaning slightly. I replied, “Yes, John, don’t make me think further, just fuck me as much as you can.” While he was rubbing me, he asked, “Do you love him?” I replied, “Yes, I do.” He started rubbing my sloppy wet pussy hard as he pushed me against the wall. John said, “Then tell him that, don’t keep him waiting because of me.”  He took out my phone and gave it to me. I called Shankar and talked to him as John was kissing my neck and playing with my breasts. I controlled my moans and finished the conversation quickly. I told him I was ready to date him. He was happy, and so was I. My heart was happy as it was being satisfied, but so was my body. My body is experiencing the best sex of my life. John removed my pants as soon as I cut the call. He kept my legs on the table and removed my panty. There was not much foreplay of love-making. He knew what my body wanted. He removed his pants, and I started stroking his big, strong dick. God, I could stroke it for years and still not get bored. I wanted to suck it so badly, but he didn’t allow me. He pushed it inside my pussy and rammed it for more than 45 mins. I was surprised because no man had ever made my cum with penetration. But he did. His hands left a mark on my thick brown thighs. His cock made my butt cry with pain as its thrusting made it sore. I left with bite marks on my neck, around my nipples, on my hands, and waist. He held my hair tight when he fucked from behind. His strong hands controlled my body when he was fucking me from the front. I was crying his name out again and again, “John! Fuck! I wanted this for so long.” After fucking for some time on the table, we moved to the sofa. He held me around my neck and started fucking me faster. This time he was more ruthless. He didn’t love my body or cared if it was painful, but he destroyed it. Shankar called me back twice, but I couldn’t answer. After that session. I texted him that I’m tired and staying with my friend. John and I had sex that entire night and didn’t sleep. We got high and finished two packets of cigarettes and a bottle of rum. I wanted to go back to the hostel, but John didn’t let me go. I had to cancel the very first day with the love of my life. But I knew it wouldn’t happen again. With heavy hearts and red, sored ass and breasts, I left John. Before leaving the door, I went down on my knees again and sucked his massive dick for straight 15 minutes until he came. I cleaned up and went out to see Shankar waiting for me. Ever since that day, I’ve been happy. I never met John after that, even though I rub myself now and then after that. John and I text each other and remain good friends. It’s been two years since that incident. Now during the lockdown a few days before, I was video calling my boyfriend. I got a text saying, “Hey Veda. Are you still dating Shankar? I want to fuck so badly.” I looked at my boyfriend on camera and swallowed my saliva, and started heavy breaths. I knew I was getting wet. I still haven’t done anything regarding John. I would like to know what you guys think about my situation and feedback on my experience. Should I be punished as a cheating girlfriend? Feel free to write to me at [email protected] or text me on hangouts.